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The 800 Pound Gorilla in the Closet: The Crack
in the Male Self-image
by Marc Collins
 On one hand, many men suffer from a faltering sense of manhood and are in need of constant re-assurance, placing an overburdening demand on their relationships. On the other, women are well aware that the cracks are there. They have been socialized to ignore or patch them as they appear, often to their own detriment. Very often, men accept society’s definition of manhood without questioning which aspects serve them. The default cry, "I was only being a man" is the equi-valent to," I'm only acting out the role which was given to me. What more do you want." It is the "what more" that needs to be examined to understand how it serves us in our everyday lives, in our relationships, and how it may affect the quality of our connections. Do we want to continue accepting society’s definition of manhood on a wholesale level, and without question? How do we break out of this spiral?
First of all, we must realize that much of what we believe regarding love, relationships and our definitions of manhood and womanhood are flawed. Most men are raised to bury their feelings; to hide behind the family- and media-induced illusions that have been with us since childhood, of what it means to be a man. Not surprisingly, most women are raised to accept this phenomenon as the natural order of things. With these preconceived notions, often what men do in relationships are covers for trying to work out our own repressed and unresolved contradictions. Lack of intimacy, promiscuity, various addictions, and even mental and physical abuse are ways men attempt to cover their vulnerability. bell hooks, in her book The Will To Change, Men, Masculinity, and Love states “ Patriarchal mores teach a form of emotional stoicism to men that says they are more manly if they do not feel, but if by chance they feel hurt, the manly response is to stuff them down, to forget about them, to hope they go away.”
We see the effects of male emotional withdrawal, which translates into avoidance and often, a downright fear of engaging women in a meaningful way. When asked to explain their hesitancy in participating, many of the men we speak with feel they will be ganged up on, that women won’t listen to men or even that dialogue with women will be a waste of time. Audrey Chapman, best selling author and practicing therapist, suggests that depending upon the quality of family relationships with women during childhood, these experiences could leave men emotionally withdrawn from women and hence reluctant to engage.
Women want to hear from men. Many women come with histories of male disconnectedness in their relationships and are looking for meaningful dialogue and answers to long standing questions. We hear women say “we want to know what men want in a relationship, what they think and, what they feel.” Unfortunately, many of us men don’t believe it. According to Ms. Chapman, “if you give men a safe place, they will open up and share their feelings.” Men have shared with us that our forums have brought out feelings they have had but did not know how to articulate. Women have commented that they previously thought men did not think seriously about the quality of their relationships. But outside of such gatherings, how do men get in touch with themselves and become more available in their relationships?
Men need to reach out to other men, and move beyond the usual talk that occurs when “kickin it’ with the boys. It’s not uncommon for men to have friendships that span decades yet be emotionally unknown to one another. Becoming emotionally available in our relationships is hard work, requires courage, honesty, and constant self-examination. It also involves unlearning those flawed definitions of manhood that inhibit meaningful unions. However, this in and of itself does not bring success as traditionally viewed. If success means forty five years of marriage, a house in the suburbs and getting all the children through college, all worthy goals, you don’t necessarily need to be emotionally available to get there. We all know couples that are outwardly successful yet their relationships have failed to thrive. Their being together has become just a bad habit. As Gordon Livingston, MD writes in the book Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, “... the closest relationships in our lives come, over time, to resemble power struggles in which we become intimate enemies…”. Becoming intimate enemies too often characterizes our relationships. Men becoming more available in their relationships transcend the external metrics imposed by society and lead us closer to the true purpose of relationships. “The first purpose of every relationship is to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves” says Mathew Kelly in the book The Seven Levels of Intimacy.
In The Flow, this is our goal, for both men and women to become open to a process that enables each to be emotionally available in their relationships leading to true intimacy and communication. Our relationships affect more than just the individuals involved. When we look at many of issues affecting our communities from teen pregnancy to domestic violence, The Flow believes they can be distilled to the quality of our relationships, from our families to our relationship with ourselves. Men becoming more authentically men, capable of loving and being loved translate into not only men being better individuals but ultimately, to more cohesive communities.
The Flow (For Love Of The World) is a relationship dialogue consisting of an online internet forum (www.flow4theworld.com) and monthly live forums where there is dialogue regarding such topics as “The Prime Relationship is with Yourself”; “Getting to Know Someone”; “ Are You Ready For a Relationship?”; etc. The Flow was developed by Angelo Hunt, Roy Frank and Marc Collins to promote a constructive dialogue between men and women regarding relationships
Marc Collins may be contacted at mcollinseast@excite.com
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